I feel as I if a chapter of my life has come to a close, this week.
Any of you that have been following what I have written over the last nine months or so may have noticed as much or more the journey that I have come on. God has revealed to me so many mysteries that were hidden to me previously, and the result of these revelations has been a growing flame and passion in my heart.
These things have consumed my attention to such an extent that I must either speak of them or purposefully keep silent.
This was so real to me on the last day of actual ministry I was involved in… someone asked what God had been speaking, and immediately my heart was torn between two choices: to stay silent, or to speak. In the end, I didn’t say a thing, as it did not seem appropriate to speak… but it burned. The same thought that was on my mind three weeks ago and is still on my mind was on my mind at that point… what is the wondrous work done for us by Christ Jesus, and how far superior that work is to any other.
There is a lot of talk where I live and work about being “aware of the season that we are [I am] in.” I feel like this has become a manifest reality to me in the last fortnight… from my own heart, from God, and from the mouth of others it has become plain who and where I am at this moment.
So… this is what I mean when I say part of my life has come to a close. Another layer of half-heartedness has been whittled away, and the core of my passions is beginning to shine through. I love it.. I am both more discontented and more satisfied than any point previous to this one in my life.
Discontented because I feel the keen edges of wisdom and preparation holding me back when the passion in my heart feels as if it will erupt from my chest, bones and all. Satisfied because I am incredibly thankful for the work that is being done in me and the effect it has on those around me, and that in this time of preparation I have come to treasure this struggle, knowing that God’s will is working it for good.
So… this chapter of confusion and uncertainty is closing. Or closed?
I do not know what the future holds. I am going home to Canada for one month, which will be a good opportunity for me to examine my life apart from the volunteer work that I have been doing here in Australia.
Some things my heart seems intent on leaving behind. Television and movies, for one. It makes my heart sink to think how much time “missionaries” in our generation waste on these things. My activities on the internet have been greatly reduced this week, including the deactivation of accounts in a few places; I have been tempted to permanently deactivate even my Facebook, but it is currently a valuable communication tool that I am quite thankful for, although I’ve pretty much limited my doings on there to simple communication.
There are a few other changes that have been running through my head (besides reducing my wasteful activity) but I think it’s probably in my best interest that you find out for yourselves what those changes are. I’ll just say that I am so very tired of relying on my own means, and I feel sick in my deficiencies as far as prayer, worship, and digesting God’s Word: regardless of how good or bad I may appear in relation to others.
