I'm not sure what I want to write on to begin, but I do know what I feel in my heart.
Over the last little while, when people ask me how I am, I'm not sure how to answer. Really, I'm good, I have little to complain about. Just below the surface, however, is this boiling ocean of discontentment. It is not that I don't have many possessions, it is not that I have little money: I have all of these I need to survive, and, indeed, more than I need to survive of both. I can fill my stomach, and pay my bills… what else do I even need?
No, friends, my discontentment runs much deeper than that, still. I am discovering that it is not really an ocean at all, although it sloshes so forcefully as to sway the direction of my life… no, it is a flame, a flame that is slowly consuming me from the inside out. I do recognise that we all have seasons where we feel hyper-spiritual, and I am in one now… but I can also look back at the last eight months and see how drastically my life has changed… how much God has revealed to my heart. My relationship with Him has deepened more than I ever imagined, my identity is becoming rooted and grounded in His love.
That, my friends, is the source of my discontent! I feel like I'm wasting time doing a lot of what I'm doing… not that missions is a waste of time, certainly not… but I feel like I need to do something more.
I keep coming back to the Levites. They were completely set apart to God, everything they did was to serve Him, day and night, and He provided for them, not they for themselves. For sake of brevity: I want to do that. I want God to “be my inheritance” as God declared He would be over the Levites when He did not set aside a portion for them out of Israel. I've spoken a bit about other men like John the Baptist, Martin Luther, John Calvin… who completely set themselves aside to seek out God… I want to do that. I want to live, eat, breath… exist… in the presence of God.
