Ahh, I have to watch my heart, friends!
In some ways, I feel trapped.
I have all these conflicting desires within my heart, and the main bulk of them don't feel relevant to where I am, now.
The funny thing is, I want to be a missionary, but more and more I am realising that what I am doing does not seem like missions work… this article I recently posted explains what I have been learning regarding missions.
That is not to say what I am doing is not important… I know the implications of what I have been and am doing… but I feel like I am in an environment here… a culture that does not push me to the extremity that my heart desires. As I continue to seek and encounter God, He continues to transform me, and I get hungrier and hungrier for His Presence, but I'm not able to seek it to my heart's content.
At the same time, I have committed to be here… how do I deal with that? I feel like God is calling me to a ministry, one on the bleeding edge of what He is doing on earth… but I'm here for another year and a half. Do I bring that ministry here? I can't do that without leaving, first, though… I need training. At least I think I do. Is it okay for me to leave for a few months of training and then return here? I would be okay with that, I think, but I do not believe I am any where even close to the maturity level that would be required to initiate such a ministry.
This ministry is one of prayer and intercession, by the way. If you haven't followed my blogs over the last six months (which is okay!) I have spent a large amount of time writing about prayer and worship as a ministry, I truly do believe God has called me to it, and that it is absolutely vital to every organization within the church… we ought to be parts of the body founded on prayer and worship, primarily: seeking to know God intimately.
So… friends, I would love it if you could pray for me… pray that though I am not content where I am, that God would speak to me… how do I deal with this, what should my attitude be, where should I go, what should I plan?
